But he has to
by skyfallat221b
Summary: A little insight to Clint's physical and psychological well being after Loki's mindcontrol {based on a gifset I made on tumblr in the wake of the new Captain America trailer}


**based on this gifset I made for tumblr : post / 77485542871**

**SORRY FOR THE ANGST **

**(also, it did NOT help that I had tumblr user stormxpadme helping me get this written).**

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Everyone had been monitoring the agents that Loki had had control over after he'd gone back to Asgard. After he'd left them to deal with all the mess and with all the damage he'd caused. They'd all been put on watch. And, then, there had been some who'd been put under medical surveillance. Because of the danger they represented because of their knowledge and because of their inherent skills.

Erik Selvig, for one, had been taken to a mental institution in upstate New York, where he would be treated gently and where SHIELD hoped to monitor him. He'd suffered greatly from Loki's mind control, but the doctors soon found out it was mostly his mental health, and not so much his physical well being which had suffered.

Clint Barton, on the other hand… Since he'd been snapped out of Loki's control, had been having several issues. Psychological, of course, because of the guilt he felt, being the one responsible for all the chaos that now surrounded him. Because of the memories, of him helping Loki, assisting him in planning all of the invasion, telling him the secrets of the Helicarrier, and the damage to his pride, being taken in like that. And, even though Natasha kept telling him that he all but missed killing spots when he took a shot with his arrow… He couldn't help but feel responsible.

Soon, he developped symptoms that the doctors had to write down as post traumatic stress disorder. Nobody blamed him. Sleep disturbances, nightmares, waking up screaming in the middle of the night. It got so bad, after a few months, that he'd stopped sleeping on his own will, and only went down under when he was given medication. Usually, by having Natasha help him take it, or by hiding it in his food or drink. But, eventually, even then, he felt the cheating, and stopped eating. Clint soon began to have associative issues, whenever New York was mentioned, whenever they mentioned SHIELD, or Coulson, or even Loki and Thor. Anger, and anxiety became a part of his everyday life.

And that's when his body started breaking down.

Of course, most of the other Avengers had been made aware of his hearing issues, long before they'd become the team in the first place. So that wasn't really the issue. Not really. Unless Clint decided to pull out his hearing aids, and refused to put them back in, sometimes, for days on end, and refusing to answer signing and written messages.

The new issues that started crippling him, alongside the effects of his PTSD medication which had him drugged most of the time, were heart rate disruptions. Sometimes, his heart would start racing, and the nurses would come running, expecting him to flatline at any given point in time. Then, along, came the seizures.

They were mild at first. The doctors told SHIELD, Director Fury and Natasha that they were the result of the PTSD, but they knew that it wasn't really. It was Loki's control on Clint which was shutting him down, slowly. Natasha couldn't help but shiver, when she remembered how Loki had whispered 'intimately' during their little conversation on the Helicarrier.

Clint would fade out for a while, dozing off to sleep, and then, a few minutes later, his muscles would cramp, and he'd have a seizure. Hurting him, making him even more so tired.

As they compared Selvig and Clint, Natasha and the rest of the team – minus Thor, who was dealing with things in London – couldn't understand what had caused Clint's breakdown. Selvig was able to work, even though he was slightly delusional. Clint was just… a broken, battered and damaged side effect in a war of the Gods.

After several seizures, SHIELD tried to help him by moving him to a private clinic, where he would receive care, and be allowed to come outside, where he would be allowed visits. Kate Bishop had showed up, with flowers, one day. They'd been able to talk for a while, until Clint had suffered another seizure, and she'd been removed from the premises. They'd defined her as a trigger.

Clint began fumbling, unable to write down whenever he was trying to recall a nightmare or a memory. His writing became shaky, and he ended throwing the pen and paper at the wall. Thor had handled the situation in London pretty well, and SHIELD had been more than happy about it.

That's when the whole mess with the Winter Soldier started. At first, they tried to handle it without calling people from the team. But, eventually, Steve had been asked to come in, when the Soldier's original identity had been revealed as Bucky Barnes.

When the Soldier attacked Fury, and almost killed him and Natasha, they had to take action. Usually, they would have sent Natasha and Clint in together, with Steve, to take care of the mess, but Clint was still unable to leave his hospital room and walk more than a couple of minutes before passing out or having his body close down on him.

That's when they decided to ask Falcon to join them. To replace Clint. They'd been buddies during their time in the special forces, and it seemed like a good choice. However, when Clint had been told that he'd been replaced, he hadn't commented. Clint who always had a witty remark had just staying completely silent.

And, that night, as his body caught a fever, he flatlined during a seizure. It had been like his entire body had given up, now that his purpose had been taken from him, and it had taken about 7 hours of surgery to get him up and going again.

That's when Natasha pulled the breaks on the Soldier case and had asked Steve to go see Clint. But the doctors stopped her from talking to him, closing off his room, as he was put to get better after the surgery.

"I don't know, Steve. I can't figure out what's wrong with him," she'd stated, as they stood in front of the glass doors to his room. His room, where he was sleeping quietly, an IV plugged into his arm, and a pulse monitor gently beeping, remembering the world that he was still alive. Steve stood, quiet. "Selvig didn't have this problem."

"Selvig doesn't have the death of over a thousand people on his conscience," Steve replied. Natasha frowned.

"Clint didn't kill those people."

"I know he didn't. But he thinks he did. Phil died because Loki was allowed to escape, because Clint caused a disruption in the Helicarrier's internal computer. Clint may believe everything was his fault."

They stood there in silence, for a few hours. Watching the nurses come and go, changing his IV once, and cleaning his brow, wet with sweat.

Natasha broke the silence soon after.

"D'you think he's gonna make it?" she asked, holding her hands on the edge of the window, her knuckles white with worry.

"After the surgery, and the seizures?" Steve paused, as he contemplated the hospital room. "I don't know."

"But he _has _to," she added. She closed her eyes, and sighed. "If he's not by my side, I can't do this." Steve straightened up and crossed his arms. "I know, Natasha." He paused. "I know." He took her by the arm, and slowly, they began to walk away. "He'll get better, don't worry." Steve's voice was telling her what everybody else seemed to be hiding: nobody knew what was going to happen to Clint. Not this time.

And, just as they walked away, they heard the heart monitor accelerate. They were passed by a couple of nurses, who went running to the room. Natasha refused to look back, hoping he'd get better soon.

He just had to. Sam was a good partner, but he wasn't Clint.

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**NOW WE WAIT FOR CAPTAIN AMERICA : THE WINTER SOLDIER HOPING IT DOESN'T END UP BEING THIS.**

**Reviews and comments are loved, as always 3**


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